Dear Santa.....

Dear Santa Clause

Firstly, I'd like to know...

What fabric softener keeps your suit so red?

What mileage do you get on the sleigh? Does it have SatNav & an iPod dock?

What with his nose issues and all, does Rudolph have trouble dating?

Now back to business.  With Christmas only 5 days away, I figured now might be a good time to send you my list.  We both know I've been good this year......well....I had a few minor slip ups and said the occasional naughty/cuss word, but ignoring all that, I've been an angel *grin*  My list is kinda short, but don't be alarmed.  I'm a woman of fine taste and I prefer quality over quanity - I'm afraid none of your other junk will do.

Now I'm sure you've already read my small print, along with my enclosed terms & conditions and the disclaimer, but I think it's only fair that I give you an advance warning.  If you fail to deliver and don't come up with the goods then I will be a very unhappy customer, forcing me to write a tersely worded letter of complaint to Trading Standards and, if required, take Court action.  Not to mention the fact that I will be the biggest pain in your ass, the biggest you have EVER had, every single year, for the rest of my life.  Your naughty list does not scare me so stick that in your festive pipe and smoke it!

I refer to the gift in question below, and look foward to finding it under my tree on Christmas morning.  Do not skimp - the rug must also be included.

(Source)

(Source)

Yours sincerely,

Me

P.S - A word of friendly advice - I think you should give up the mince pies, the suspension on your sleigh can only be upgraded so many times!